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Coach Larry Baratte was the most inspirational and motivating person I have ever met. I feel that these two years helped really shape who I am today. I spent two more years of swimming at my local community college, Ventura College. Sometimes I would stay up all night and then head straight to morning practice. I needed this outlet to live a double life to feel sane. I would end up driving to Los Angeles and going to gay nightclubs. When I turned 18, I started lying to my parents about where I was going when I would “hang out” with friends. I got the ichthus (Jesus fish) tattooed on my right arm to prove that I devoted myself and was going to continue to live “pure.” I thought that if I devoted myself fully to God that things would work out for me. I would pray and ask for guidance and ask God to help me. I hid this part of me thinking that it was just some type of phase or puberty getting the best of me.
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Feelings that I felt were bad and thought weren’t natural because of my religious background.
It wasn’t until about my junior year of high school where I started having feelings for guys. I would attend Sunday mass and youth groups all the way up until my high school years. I come from a religious Christian background. I was still struggling with my sexuality and my beliefs of who I was and who I was becoming. As great as all the attention was, deep inside I felt empty, incomplete and disgusted. I broke school records in the 100-meter freestyle and relay records with my best friends in the 200-medley relay, 200-free relay and 400-free relay. I was getting recognized by the local newspaper and people knew who I was and it felt great. I was the top swimmer in my school and in my county at the time. As my high school career progressed, I continuously got faster. I have swum competitively since my freshman year of high school at Rio Mesa High School in Oxnard, California. Relative to the surfing sport, I also swim. When I realized this side of myself, it initially scared me, but catching waves and exerting my energy towards the sport I love helped move myself in acceptance. Surfing is also an outlet I have used to help come to terms with my sexuality and how I identify with myself as gay. Each stroke I take in the water, I’ll inhale a heavy breath of warm, salty air with the Hawaiian sun beating on my back creating the perfect combination of tropical bliss. On my paddle out to the surf, I always tell myself to think of five things I am thankful for in life before riding a wave. Before any surf session, I take a moment to harmonize with my life.ĭipping my toes into the white sand laced with seashells and sea glass, while gazing at the breaking booms of blue and white waves, fills me with nostalgic chills to the point where I can almost feel my pulse sync with the sets of waves. North shore of Oahu in Hawaii is where I seek solace.